I won’t take selfies with other people y’all don’t know my angles

*walks into a 7/11* more like 11/11 keep up the great work everyone

humans have it so great. we can literally crab walk whenever we want to and we’re not even crabs

fun thing to do: feed nuts to people with nut allergies. it’s time we take control and speed up natural selection

what does it feel like to say “liberry”? describe the emotions, the feelings. describe your thought process leading up to it. how does it feel afterwards 


to people that sleep with their bedroom doors open:you are brave but you are going to die young

whens the next end of the world life is too boring without a doomsday to look forward to

*walks into crowd of stoners* mary jane? let me tell you about a different Mary. the virgin mary. please open your bibles to page 349

if you’re ever stranded in the wild just rub 2 mozzarella sticks together to build a pizza



Obama will never be half the man nor love America as much as Reagan did.

Obama will never eat as many flags throughout his presidency like Reagan did. Reagan holds the current flag-eating record at 3,463 flags during his presidency. Obama is currently only at 1,072.Here we see pictured: Reagan in action during one of his flag feedings. This is speculated to be approximately his 560th flag consumed.

*murders you* dont be mad its just a metaphor